i know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel... this way
"Interesting..."
-my good friend J's response to all things that should be surprising and aren't.
I decided I was going to go for things I didn't think I wanted, so that if it turned out I couldn't have them i wouldn't have to deal with being too disppointed.
I would simply like to point out that in case any of you thought "Wow, D! That's a fantastic idea! It must work really well for you!", you are terribly wrong and should stop taking advice from me. If you, like most smart realistic people, know me, you realize that I am incapable of not wanting anything [especially when 'anything' is a smart, funny, attractive, jewish male].
What i think is truly fantastic about writing as an art form, is not the words, but rather the syntax. There are an almost unlimited number of words in the english language; millions of ways one can say anything- but it rarely seems to be the words that bring the meaning. As a noun, syntax can refer to either linguistics or logic; maybe even both. J's use of the word "interesting" can mean many different things, but in this case i believe it was followed with a verbal elypsis [...]. Meaning, since J knows me quite well, she knew I was bluffing.
After the occurences of this past weekend she asked me if i liked this individual. After going back and forth in my head between the least embaressing and most neutral of responses, i replied "let's just say, I'm interested".
J's response?
"Uh huh interesting."
laughter sets on the horizon of your smile
time flies by, no one counting all the while
if i can sit here with my stare
when i'm nervous twirl my hair
and you still begin to care
i will fall
i may smile unsurely and figit with my straw
look away when i get nervous
what i feel is just too raw
if i push this heat away
make it feel like yesterday
and i didn't know you ripped up your napkins too.
if you kissed me any softer
i wouldn't feel your lips at all
and if you kissed me any stronger
my defense would start to fall
i will fall
if you could find better words
i would forget to speak
and if your eyes were any bluer
i would slide out of reach
happiness is a warm gun...bang bang, shoot shoot
I have always been someone who bounces back.
In almost any situation I am the person who gets over aggravation, anger, boredom, sadness, and yes, even sometimes, joy.
I feel like my emotions are controlled by a switch that i can turn on and off at will.
Is this kind of control
necessarily a good thing?
I'm not so sure.
I started this blog with the most serious and ambitious of intentions. I wanted to write again. I wanted a venue in which to express how i feel. how can i do that when i rarely feel the same way for more than a few fleeting moments?
Example: I rarely get angry with my friends. Even when I do, hardly ever enough to resort to cutting off all ties with them.
I was recently so hurt by a friend, that i did, in fact, cut her off. Yes, i completely explained to her in gross detail why i was upset and yet she still refused to even
acknowledge her part in that, so it ended.
Everyone understood why I was upset. I was worried for a while that I was being overly
sensitive and irrational and asked
everyone's opinion about the situation. Every single person I spoke to, including my mother who always seems to find a way to
villianize me, agreed that any 'friend' who would knowingly do something to hurt me, regardless of the reasons why, is not a friend.
So i abandoned ship, and moved on.
Now
I'm okay.
I am no longer feeling guilty, nor am i angry at this person for hurting me. I simply don't care anymore.
Is that healthy?
I always thought that being adaptable [another one of my many
gemini qualities] was one of the best things about me. i work very well with change, in fact, i often welcome it. I started to wonder, however, if change is just the most practical way for me to avoid dealing with the stagnant realities of my life; the things that don't change- that remain constant. I have always been scared of boredom, of the mundane. I have always anticipated change to such an extent, that perhaps creating change has become my way of controlling the inevitable.
oh, nothing like a good epiphany.
