sigh
i'm finding it hard to not act as crazy as i would like to.i'm good at separating myself from emotional decisions when they become uncomfortable or too draining.
i'm good at cutting emotional ties with people who take advantage of my feelings.
at least these are the things i say to myself to keep me from bursting into hysterics.
the truth is, i don't fucking know what i'm good at.
i don't know what i'm good at when it comes to work, my personal life, relationships...i just feel so lost and so stunted.
i'm upset because he hasn't called me.
i'm also relieved that he hasn't called me- i know that my resolutions are only resolutions until the circumstances change, and as much as i know what i am doing is right- the truth is, i'm sad.
i'm longing to not feel ashamed of my feelings. i always feel embarrassed for opening up to people and telling them how i feel- if only because it's persistently forced out of me and then invalidated.
i guess what i'm saying is- the pattern is clear.
boy meets d
boy becomes hopelessly enamoured with d
boy pursues d, and against her better judgement, captures the affections of d
things are great
things get heavy
boy pushes d to express how d feels
d expresses how she feels about boy
boy runs away screaming
i made the same analysis the last time around, determined to never let it happen again.
but then i fell on my ass- and it happened again.
i don't get what i am doing wrong.
posted by D @ 2:12 PM
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