the other side of D...my life in private

fumbling towards ecstacy

Why is happiness so scary?
Once one gets past the whole idea that *true* happiness [or whatever the fuck that means] is attainable- is reaching it so easy?
I met someone.
It shocked me and continues to shock me how easy it has been for me to be completely terrified of any interaction that could possibly lead to my feelings growing stronger.
Granted, it's been a very short time since we've met [about 2 weeks], but every time i am with him, i leave both deliriously happy and frightened of that happiness.
I always considered myself an optimist,. but suddenly that quality i was so sure i had is being completely called in question. I expect the worst.
Whenever I feel insecure about men and/or relationship i start reading excerpts of "he's just not that into you", looking to pump myself full of blunt confidence. Each time i do this i automatically feel better. "Well, if he's not calling me, or asking me out, or making it clear that he's into me, he's not. So f--- him, I'll move on to someone else who is nutso about me". I've even gone through periods of reading it to my friends when they are upset about men. I have trained myself to have a bullshit detector that is always on and always looking for a reason not to trust.
Here's the problem. He DOES call me. He DOES ask me out. He is clear that he's interested and attracted to me. He opens up to me about work and family and himself. We click. We connect. We have incredible physical chemistry.
So what the fuck is wrong? Why can't i trust that he just likes me and wants to spend time with me and be around me and care about me. Why can't i trust happiness? Don't human and animal emotions exists for the sole purpose of protecting us and helping us follow our instincts? Fear only exists because we NEED it to survive; hence the purpose of the fight or flight response.
So what do I do?
I could run away and distance myself because I'm scared of being happy to a point where I can't be in control- or I can fight.

posted by D @ 3:11 PM